I’ll never forget where I was when I read the news.
The trusty Windstar that has carried me within feet of a deadly tornado and a few million votes of the presidency had fallen victim to a deer attack.
For those of you who are new to this column, the Windstar is owned by Todd Natvig, who has sacrificed it to hail storms and other severe weather in order to help me get great weather photos. Because the Windstar had been there through thick and thin, we used it as our official campaign vehicle after he joined the ticket in my Presidential campaign as an official write-in candidate in Kansas.
As my good friend and running mate was heading to work Wednesday morning, a deer – obviously a fan of the Electoral College – leapt out of its hiding place and sacrificed its own life in order to inflict a deadly blow to the trusty storm chasing and campaign vehicle.
Thankfully, Natvig wasn’t hurt.
His wife was the first to post about the tragedy Wednesday morning after he called to give her the bad news. Despite major damage to the fender, hood, headlight and driver’s side door, Natvig was able to drive another 15 miles or so into work with bits of deer clinging to his minivan.
This is exactly why I have never been that impressed with deer hunters. You slather yourselves in animal urine and sit in a tree above a feeder all day waiting to shoot Bambi with an assault rifle and act like The Great White Hunter when you bag a bunch of venison.
I have spent the majority of my adult life dodging these vermin with antlers.
That's why I like fishing. It is a challenge. I have never heard of anyone destroying a minivan by hitting a catfish driving to work. Plus catch-and-release is easier to practice when you don’t shoot the animal you are hunting in the face.
But even though I’m not impressed by the skill associated with bagging a buck, I do support the systematic eradication of the Windstar smashing caribou-wanna-bes.
In 2012, we ran a campaign against the Electoral College. I thought that would be the end of my political career. Maybe I should consider a mid-term election for Congress on a, “Kill all the deer you can” platform. Instead of more gun control, we could require that every gun permit issued only goes into effect after it is used to kill one of these white-tailed highway hazards. The evil denizen of the ditch may have thought he won the battle Wednesday morning. But I hope with his last breath he saw the Windstar and realized his attack had failed. The Windstar will be back in harm’s way soon.
On the other hand, if you need any deer jerky or venison sausage, I know where you can get some pretty cheap.
Kent Bush is the publisher of The Augusta Daily Gazette, The El Dorado Times, and The Andover American newspapers. He can be reached at:firstname.lastname@example.org.